Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, noo obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew
I will begin each post with this perfect quote, as it has become our motto.
Since heading West to begin a new chapter of my life in Southern California in March 2013, starting a blog has been onu my mind. It seemed to be the best avenue to share our life experiences with loved ones, yet sitting down and starting this project never became a priority, as life was filled with all things wedding, vacations and a honeymoon, sunshine and sand, lots of love and quite a bit of heartache. In an effort to best convey the journey that Chris and I have been on, and the adventure we will soon embark on, I created jaunts & journeys. We can only verbalize our story so many times as it can become exhausting. Therefore, I want jaunts & journeys to be our storyteller. I want an outlet for my emotions, as painful and raw OR as exciting they may be. This is my outlet. I despise the fact that we have a story to tell, but it is our now our reality. Throughout this process, I have chosen to be extremely open, honest, and realistic. I hope some way, somehow, jaunts & journeys will help…whether that be someone experiencing their own fertility situations, or maybe help another understand the pain that comes with loss and/or infertility, as well as to realize the emotional, physical, and financial burdens of treatments necessary to make ones parenthood dreams come true.
For those unfamiliar with the tough times Chris and I have experienced in the last ten months, I will make my best attempt to share a
If you know me well, you are aware that it has been said I was born to be a mother. We hoped those dreams would come fulfilled with ease. Chris and I wanted to see this dream become a reality soon after our November wedding and April honeymoon. I always had an intense feeling that I would struggle with success, likely due to what my parents endured in their seven-year journey to successfully conceive me, followed by my brother and sister. Thanks Mom and Dad for not giving up!
And so Our Story begins….It was just a normal week day morning, Friday July 25. My very regular cycle was a couple days late, so I took an at-home pregnancy test, and it was positive!!! OH MY GOSH! I was elated beyond imagination, and wanted nothing to do with going into work. I don’t remember the drive into the office, I worked with zero concentration and spent all day planning how I would surprise Chris with this thrilling and life changing news. I went to the store, purchased pink and blue balloons, and would tie those to Reese’s (our pup) collar once I was home from work. I was a shaking, blubbering mess attempting to pull off this surprise. Chris was on our deck, Reese greeted him, and instantly he thought it was her birthday or an anniversary of ours that he had somehow missed. I have this joyful moment captured on video, but have shared it with no one, as it pains me to watch. About a week or so later, it was determined through blood work that I was experiencing a miscarriage. The physical and emotional pain was unreal. Although knowingly pregnant for a mere week, this was a tragic loss, one I have never experienced. One that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. And surely one I hoped I/we would never go through again. I will dedicate another post to this specifically.
My OBGYN said if we did not achieve success in six months or had a past of chronic (3 miscarriages), they would then do further testing. Nope, not for me. I wanted to be more proactive; I didn’t like their approach, as again, I just had this gut feeling that something was not right. So we took matters into our own hands. In one of Chris’ networking groups, a member’s wife is a fertility specialist with whom Chris had previously advised on real estate. Thanks to Chris, Dr. F and I were put in touch in December. We had a lovely 30-minute conversation, and both hoped that I would not need her services. She eased some of my worry and concern, and we agreed to touch base in two months after we completed requested diagnostic blood work and testing.
Well, as it turns out, we would need her expertise. On Friday February 6th, we went for a consultation not knowing exactly what the appointment would consist of. I was, of course, an absolute nervous wreck. Mind you, this was also the day my dad was having his total hip replacement surgery back home in St. Louis, so I was already on pins and needles. We hoped to receive some answers, as I did not want to hear “Everything seems good, I don’t know why you are having trouble.” Well, we got answers. Plenty of them. More than I could have imagined. Chris had issues. I had issues. My head was spinning. I couldn’t comprehend what was being said. I had no words. I had no tears. This couldn’t be real. This appointment and what followed will have a dedicated blog post in the coming weeks.
After even further diagnostic testing, we reconvened with Dr. F on February 16th. It was determined then that In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) would be our path. Chris and I wanted to take a month to let this new reality soak in, and would be set to start with IVF treatment at the end of March. At the end of February, I took a trip home to St. Louis to spend time with family and friends knowing it would be my last trip for quite some time. I flew back to San Diego Monday March 2nd. My period was to start, it didn’t, and I was having similar symptoms to the pregnancy in July. While driving to work on Wednesday March 4, I stopped at CVS and bought a test. Shockingly enough…POSITIVE!!!!! Are you kidding me?!?! After being told our chances of naturally conceiving were close to none, this was an absolute miracle. Conceiving in and of itself is miraculous, but for someone with our issues, this was even more! We began thinking — We had proved the doctors wrong. We would have a child on our own. My body would be saved from the physical harm. We would not spend a fortune. All these thoughts ran through my mind, yet I was never fully confident this was a good pregnancy. My intuition was correct, and as it turned out, I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. This resulted in extreme pain and a completely dreadful month plus, entirely different from the miscarriage. Again, this tragic experience will have a dedicated post in the coming weeks.
Due to the above-mentioned situation, our IVF start date was bumped back by about two months. Today, Friday May 29th we had our first official IVF appointment, and I will update in the coming days. I am aware IVF is typically a totally foreign concept, so I will do my best to explain appropriately.
We will never be able to appropriately thank those who extended kind and sympathetic thoughts, said prayers, and offered love and support to us in the last year, and especially in the past few months. We have a tough road ahead, so please keep those prayers going. We appreciate you taking the time to read our story and hope you will join us on our jaunts & journeys. Love to each of you!
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