Infertility sucks. Dreaming, unsuccessfully, to be a mother is a severe pain only a select group can understand. My hearts aches for all of us suffering.
But, I am alive, and I am well, for the most part.
I have a loving husband, incredible parents, best friend siblings, outstanding family and friends, fantastic support, and a sometimes sweet pup. I live in a beautiful place. I have a nice job. Life is good, minus a huge void I feel on an hourly basis.
I need to keep reminding myself of the significant blessings in life. I need to do my best to realize how fortunate I am. Although the biggest dream of my life has yet to come to fruition, I understand I am a very privileged individual.
A week ago Friday was horrendous, completely awful. I lost it multiple times. Absolute mess. Total disaster. Heartbroken.
The messages, emails, calls, flowers, kind words, thoughtful gestures, WOW! I am still completely shocked and overwhelmed. Each kind message left me in tears. I was doing that hard, heavy sob, barely able to catch my breath. Crying headache was in full force. I couldn’t function. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t talk. Luckily, I was at my office alone for the majority of the afternoon. I was finally cried out by the time I left. Dramatic, no. Real emotion, yes.
I felt the love from so many…those close to me in life, others whom I have not spoken to in years. All so completely unexpected and appreciated. Some shared prayers. Some cried for me. Others cried with me. Some tried to make me smile. Others reciprocated my anger. Some shared their own heartaches. Others had no words, just gestures. ALL made me feel loved and supported.
I will never be able to appropriately express my gratitude to our loved ones near and far. So many are praying and sending us the most positive, encouraging thoughts. Everyone is cheering us on. We know it. We feel it. We love it. And we cannot thank you enough.
After pondering the decision all day Friday, we had our call with Dr. F. She also had time to digest the information to make a more informed recommendation. We were leaning heavily toward canceling, but needed to review with her to reassure us that this was in fact the best path for us. She so badly wanted to keep going with this cycle for our sanity, our dream, and all we have been through, but we could tell she wasn’t confident. She said she does her best to not get emotionally involved, but we could tell that was weighing on her. We asked her to put the emotion and financial aspects out of the picture. What she would do if she were in our shoes? We asked a ton of questions, some including:
- How will my body respond with the next cycle?
- Should we convert to an IUI?
- Should we try on our own this month?
- Can I take birth control pills even though I have Factor V?
- Did my body do anything well?
We got many answers, and all three of us collectively agreed, to officially cancel this cycle. It wasn’t ideal from the get go. Next time will be better, and Dr F feels so completely optimistic that we will get to our end goal of becoming parents. I felt a great deal of relief after our call. It didn’t take my pain away, but I felt at peace. Anyone have a reset button?
We will wait for my time of the month, likely August 11th. On Day 3, I will begin birth control for three weeks to help suppress my ovaries. Hopefully they, along with the follicles, cooperate. Then stimulation medication starts approx. Sept. 3rd until Sept. 12th ish, followed by an egg retrieval. Let’s hope this plan stays in place.
To preserve our sanity, we were under strict doctor’s orders for a relaxing weekend including a recommended beverage or two. It actually turned into a lovely weekend, and we were sure to follow our orders.
Last Friday night, a drink was poured and pizza delivered. My first sip in three months of my long lost friend vodka was a bit strange. Chris and I had a lot of catching up to do on our high quality shows, so we binge watched Big Brother and Bachelorette. Pretty decent Friday night in my book.
My Saturday morning drink trifecta was back in action – a REAL coffee, a mimosa and a water. We spent the day at the beach, and it was great. The sunshine and relaxation was near perfection. We stocked up on unhealthy snacks at the store, headed home, made a drink, and watched a beautiful sunset. All was well, except this discomfort I was experiencing in my lower abdomen area. I did my best to ignore it. I will update on this in my next post.
I was SO looking forward to Sunday morning, as three of us IVF ladies were gathering for brunch. We did not mind in the slightest that we were complete strangers. Our hostess was top notch, and it was a truly WONDERFUL time! We shared our journeys and heartaches and gave advice and hope. We get it. We understand the pain each other has faced. I hope this is just the beginning of a very special bond. Thank you V and K, my best to you both always!
We headed to the beach again to meet up with dear friends. We returned to our home and had a little gathering with our neighbors. Although I had one drink and a glass or two of wine, I was extremely hungover come Monday morning…cheap date, light weight.
Although, I would have much preferred pills, shots, and more shots, I smiled, laughed, cried, drank some, ate a lot, over indulged, relaxed, and it was as lovely as it could be, despite the circumstances.
Our love to each of you praying, loving, supporting and cheering us on! We love you!
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew