[Please excuse my negative attitude]…
I wish I had the absolute best possible update to share, however that is not the case. I will keep this short and somewhat sweet with a longer post to follow in the coming days. We all know “brief” is not my style.
Our 9/9 at 9a appointment I discussed here, went just OK…not ideal, not the way I wanted, not the way I expected. I typically prepare myself for worst-case scenarios. I much prefer to anticipate bad news, and be shocked with great news. Today was different. I was definitely a nervous wreck, but mostly hopeful. Maybe too hopeful.
I have been cramping and experiencing breakthrough bleeding these last few days. It has intensified since stopping the birth control pills Saturday. This was primarily my concern going into today; along with Dr. F being out of the office this week. I wasn’t even thinking follicle count.
Sadly, the “Lucky 13” follicles from my last ultrasound now total SIX, three on each side. SIX?! What the %*&@ ?! The purpose of the birth control pills was to suppress my ovaries, and keep them quiet, so all the follicles start out small and the same size, but holy hell seriously?! If you recall, last time we tried to begin our cycle, I had a dominant follicle which proved to be disastrous, as we ended up canceling.
Good news – No cysts. All follicles similar in size. Start stimulation medication tomorrow, pending a phone call with my estrogen level results.
Disappointing news – ONLY 6 follicles.
Chris and I had utter disappointment written all over our faces. How could this be?
In my head currently…6 follicles may turn out to be 5 or so mature eggs come retrieval. Those eggs have to fertilize successfully. They then have to make it to Day 5. They will be biopsied and tested, and not all will come back genetically normal. This is why I refer to 6 as extremely disappointing. I am well aware it is quality over quantity. Unfortunately, we don’t know the quality until retrieval time comes. I am doing everything in my power to help my body and eggs, but I can only do so much with health, vitamins, and so on. I will get more into my diagnosis in another post, but low follicle count is common with other women in my shoes. Hence the reason we are doing back-to-back IVF cycles before an embryo transfer.
My mom asked me, “Are you ok?” Maybe? I think I am, but really, I don’t know. I am having an extremely difficult time processing this. I want to be elated since we are starting, but I am not. I am so frustrated with my body and this process, per usual. Chris and I had a lengthy conversation a few hours after the appointment. We agreed we are ready to start. We talked the good, bad, and indifferent into the ground just to try and help each other understand where we are and what options we have. Ridiculous yes, but I emailed Dr. F while she is on her anniversary vacation to update her on the appointment. I don’t expect to hear back, but had to do it for peace of mind.
I need to read and reread my motto below because the negativity, stress, anxiety, anger and fear are in full force right now. Bottom line, this is not an easy journey, and I wish this path upon no one. We are here, and we are determined to give it all we have. Thanks for the thoughts, love, and support. Xo
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew