This was written Saturday 9/12…
Thank you for tolerating and accepting my negativity in my previous post. When I decided to share our journey and enter the blogging world, I vowed to myself to be completely genuine, open, raw, and emotional whether good or bad. So what you see (read) is what you get. I have my days, some better than others. I have real feelings, and I need to express those in this diary of mine.
As was clear in the last blog, we were/are so disheartened with the results of the ultrasound. Worst thing ever? No. End of the world? No. Unexpected? Totally. Disappointed. Extremely. I am well aware things could always be far, far worse in life. I understand I need to find the positive in this. I know starting meds is better than being told we cannot start. I know 6 follicles are better than 1. Again, this is not the end of the world. It just really sucks. This whole thing is just so damn hard. The pain we have endured during this journey of ours is worse than I could have imagined. I didn’t realize the strength I have until now. I still question it. I stand firm with what I have said before; someway, somehow, one day this will make me a better person, wife, mother, daughter, friend, and so on. I really, really hope.
As always, I share an update of the latest and greatest in our IVF world, details of the appointments, what we’ve been up to, and more. So here it goes…
So rewind to a week ago…Our Labor Day weekend was about as good as it can get. We were able to join April and her family for dinner on Friday, and then for her nephew, Preston’s, first birthday party at a park by our house on Saturday. It was SO nice to have time with one of my dearest! April and her boyfriend, Blake, came to check out our new place, and we spent a couple great hours together! Although the time was short, I adore her family, and it was so special!
Sunday and Monday were total relaxation and beach time, and it felt wonderful. My mind was not too focused on our upcoming appointment. Typically, I am not good at compartmentalizing my thoughts, but I suppose have naturally been forced to get better with time. Scratch that. As I type, I am already freaking for our next appointment.
Tuesday night was mostly sleepless. I hate the feeling before appointments. I wish I could explain it better. I feel sick to my stomach, my heart is racing, body shaking, mind doesn’t stop, worst case scenarios on repeat, overall a nervous, yucky, unpleasant feeling. I know we have a LONG road to go and a TON more appointments ahead. I remind myself to breathe. It doesn’t usually work. As much as I try not to stress and worry, nothing can stop it. “Relax,” “think positively,” “try not to worry,” and comments of the like are FAR easier said than done, especially when I have been prone to bad news. I wish I had a magic pill to turn my brain off 90% of the time.
Wednesday morning rolled around and I felt blah blah blah, as shown in the pic above. I took Reese on a walk, got ready, and out the door we went. Chris and I in separate cars, traffic was worse than normal. We arrive, late…again. Dr. Garzo walks in, ultrasound begins. Once he said 3 on the right (which normally has 6-7), I knew I wasn’t going out the door with a smile. He then only saw 3 on the left as well. Chris and I shared our thoughts. Dr. Garzo shared his. In his opinion, it is far better to have all similar sized follicles versus more that are not of the same size. He said it is all about the quality, not to focus on the quantity. I was slightly numb. On we go.
Blood work was next. Thankfully I always ask to lay down because it took 3 tries, and I think I would have passed out had I been upright. The right and left were unsuccessful, so they had me drink water, and we met with Dori to review meds and instructions. A while later, the third time was a success.
Once complete, we went on our way. I had to stop by the pharmacy in the building to pick something up, and on the floor was a penny, heads up. I asked Chris to grab it, and hold on to it. These days, I look for anything as a positive sign.
As mentioned, I had to email Dr. F, even though I knew she was on her anniversary vacation. Part of me wanted her to know what was going on, so if she had a differing opinion she could let me know. Being the kind person she is, she got back to me with the simple email below. I know she cares so much about us and wants us to achieve our dream.
This isn’t necessarily vital info for the blog, but I want it for me later on…
Once my Estrogen level results were in, Dori called and gave me the official OK to start. My E2 came back at 26, which is lower than they had expected, but within the normal range. Dr. Garzo approved. So on Thursday, I started taking 2 Dexamethasone (steroid) in the morning, 2 Clomid at night, and 3 vials/225 IU of Menopur mixed into one syringe. I am still experiencing some bleeding and cramping. Overall bloated. Chest has been tender for months. Headachey, but nothing compared to my migraine filled past. I have been moody at times, both totally giddy and downright cranky, Lord help Chris. I had a twinge type pain on my lower right side last night and a bit today…frustrating because it makes my mind go insane…Ovulation? Dominating follicles? You name it.
The injections do burn a bit, but they aren’t terrible…yet. The needle for Menopur is far smaller and thinner than some of the upcoming injections. Chris has gotten good at his new task. I say “hold on, hold on” repeatedly. We give each other a quick kiss. and it’s go time. I still get nervous, even though I know what to expect, and assume this will continue throughout. This is all quite surreal.
Last night was a relaxing night in. I made salmon burgers followed by a visit to Menchie’s. The fix it yourself frozen yogurt flavor and toppings selections are out of this world. It happens to be a 2 minute drive from our house, not good! Of course, it doesn’t hold a candle to Ted Drewes though! Today was a beach day. Chris surfed for a bit, and I was finally able to get in the water, since I have no gel or patches to worry about. Water temp was perfection! September is called the “local’s summer” and that was clear today as the crowds and tourists are gone!
The last few days have been so super toasty (for San Diego), and life without A/C isn’t exactly fun during this heat wave. Since it has been in the mid 90s during the day, Reese got to visit the Lee & Associates office Thursday with Chris and come to Horine Group with me Friday. All three of us have all slept horribly the last few nights. But currently, I am sitting on our cute patio with a beautiful view of the Pacific, the sun slowly setting and a nice breeze coming in, with a La Croix Lime in my hand and a pup at my feet. Chris, well let’s just say he has spent 4ish hours between yesterday and today, and is now on the phone with the 13th (not kidding) DirecTV representative trying to figure out how to stream NFL Sunday Ticket. I think he has found success…thank God!
Tomorrow is a HUGE day, and I don’t mean it in the IVF way either. NFL SUNDAY FOOTBALL has arrived! As you can see, we have a sign sitting proudly on our mantle, and it is the absolute truth. Let’s go Broncos! And Rams! And Chris’ fantasy teamS! I much prefer a Sunday when he is not disappointed with the outcome.
On a much more important note, we head back for an ultrasound/blood work with Dr. F on Monday Sept. 14th at 9:30a. This is our Day 5 Stim Appointment. We hope to see all follicles growing in synchrony. We do not want to see any dominating, and we want to see E2 levels to rise within reason. If you recall, this is the appointment last cycle (July) when we canceled. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers on this! I will update after.
The messages and love we have received in the last few days are, as always, incredible. We know how many people are on this journey with us, and we know you want the very best for us! That feels awesome. We are beyond ready for our dreams to slowly, but surely, begin coming true.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew