Where to begin? I have wondered this to myself many times in the last month or so.
It has been hard to be a consistent visitor to my own blog. I hate feeling like a negative Nancy and sharing bad news. And I hate to be down and out, when I have prided myself on my positivity and hope through this journey.
As most of you have witnessed, we have been through SO much:
Emotionally – Tears, constant stress, elevated blood pressure, ups and downs, setbacks, and hurdles conquered. My nerves and anxiety have been at an all time high for OVER ONE YEAR. Yes, that is right. Our first call with Dr. F was December 2014, and our first in person meeting was Friday February 6, 2015.
Physically – My body has been through hell and back three and a half times with countless ultrasounds, blood draws, and injections. Three surgeries, and one more to come.
Financially – No need to even get into this.
Family and friends have been missed. Trips have been canceled. Work has been neglected. Life has been rearranged. All for the glimmer of hope in having a baby.
[Que the IVF/Infertility clichés]
Some days I know it will be OK. Some days I know I will be called Mom. Some days I know God has a plan.
Yet, in the midst of this journey that resembles a nightmare at times. I don’t know.
I don’t know it will be OK. I don’t know I will be called Mom. I don’t know God has a plan, and frankly, whatever it is, I don’t like it right now.
At this very moment, I desire all those things that most pregnant women and new or experienced moms don’t want.
I don’t care that I can have wine. I don’t care that I can sleep in. I don’t care that we can travel when we want, or go out to dinner without hesitation. I don’t care that life may be easier now.
I want to morning sickness and weight gain. I want to be up all night and utterly exhausted. I want it all.
Although we feel we have conquered so much, we still have so far to go in this never ending battle with infertility.
I apologize to you…my readers, my supporters, and my loves for my unintentional, but partially necessary, absence and continued negative attitude. The encouragement you bring me is second to none. Thus, I feel like a failure on many levels, which I will describe below.
[I just got tea, and the quote on the tea bag said, “The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment.” I will keep that in mind.]
I am doing this somewhat backwards, but to rewind a tiny…Retrieval #3 was Monday January 25th. Even though I have been there, done that two previous times, my nerves were still there. All we wanted out of this cycle was one genetically healthy embryo. One. JUST ONE. Please.
The previous cycles, I felt so-so, yet this time I felt a bit of confidence. I was in the brand new surgery center, with a lovely nurse whose name is escaping me. Poor thing tried two places for the IV with no success. I told her Marybeth got it on the first try last time. So, she grabs Marybeth, and sure enough, first time success…in the wrist, OUCH. Dr. F checks in, as does the new anesthesiologist, and I was on my way.
I wake up and recall asking someone how many were retrieved. They said they would have Dr. F come talk to me. OH GOD, what did this mean? It is a total blur, and I cannot remember if Chris told me, or Dr. F, but either way 8 were retrieved! I was disappointed in the number. The embryologist, Bill, came to let us know the maturity levels. 7 were mature, and the other one had the potential to catch up. Wonderful! Soon enough, I was in my wheelchair and out the door.
It became tradition to stop and pick up a bite at Honey’s on the way home. Once home, I went to my chair on the patio to relax in the sun. Wouldn’t you know it is the day our next door neighbors who we have never met come to their home that has been vacant for a year and decide to start landscaping on their back patio, which is attached to ours. Even though I shared with them I JUST had surgery, they talked and talked and talked. So inside I went, and spent the remainder of the day and night on the couch.
The next morning, I got the call to let me know ALL 8 were mature, and ALL 8 fertilized. Outstanding! We were off to an excellent start! Confidence continues. I recall thinking…Watch this cycle be the best one yet, and we almost didn’t do it! Watch us get like 4 healthy embryos, almost as many in the previous two combined cycles. I bet me being more relaxed this cycle helped.
The positive daily embryo updates continued, but the final update was particularly hard. Knowing 6 embryos made it to blastocyst stage, but only 3 were of good enough quality to be tested was a tough pill to swallow. I have heard it doesn’t matter WHAT the embryo looks like, but genetic make up is what is the important factor. I will probably think about this situation for a LONG time. I kept telling myself…All we needed was ONE.
Well, as you know from my last post, this cycle turned out to be quite the opposite from what we hoped. It was the hardest to recover from a physical standpoint, and the emotional healing will be ongoing for quite some time. I am determined to look forward. It isn’t easy.
As I always say, I will never be able to appropriately show my gratitude and appreciation for each and every one of you who have walked this journey, and continue to do so, with us. My best always. Xo
[I planned to include our Chicago weekend, how I received the dreaded news, our WTF meeting with Dr. F, and upcoming surgery, but quickly realized, those topics will have their own posts, as to not make this one a novel.]
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew