Absolutely Unreal

I am at a loss for words.

Why? Why? Why? This is so freaking unfair.

Just as I predicted.

Ol’ Negative Nancy (me) has struck accurate again.

Happy f-ing birthday to me.

I will keep this short, not sweet…

I had my Starbucks. Adele was on the radio. I wore all my lucky jewelry.


Last place I wanted to be on my birthday. 04.19.16

Appointment went as well as it possibly could this morning. No dominant follicle. No sign of ovulation. No fluid indicating ovulation. Everything looked normal/great!

Lining grew from 4mm to 6mm with a distinct triple lined pattern. Ideal for today’s appointment is 5-7. Awesome!

We did blood work as a double/triple check even though everything looked near perfect. Dr. F would normally only check estrogen levels, but was going to check my progesterone since I don’t do anything textbook.

The blood work is nearly always indicative of what is seen on ultrasound.


Looking good…so we thought. 04.19.16

No news would good news, so I begged her not to call me. She said, “I love you, but absolutely do not want to call you.”

I was cautiously excited, yet wanted 5pm to arrive as quickly as possible for the official word.

Chris and I went to a nice lunch in Del Mar. We decided we would celebrate the great appointment and my birthday with a lobster dinner at the house…while watching the Blues game!

I came back to the office. Phone rings. “No Called ID” appears. Heart goes to the bottom of the ocean. It was Carlsbad Florist letting me know they made a delivery to my house. (I do not know who the flowers are from just yet, but THANK YOU!)

I take Reese on a walk around the block. 3:11pm “No Caller ID” again. This time it was Dr. F.

I answered. She said, “Everything is ok. It is going to be ok.”

Yeah no.

Progesterone level was elevated. They want it under 1.5. I was at 1.9.

This indicates ovulation is occurring, has occurred, or is about to occur. Just as I thought.

Dr. F has NO clue how this could be happening. She is beyond confused, and used the 99% category again. She saw NOTHING on ultrasound. It doesn’t make sense.

I now have to go back on Friday morning for a repeat ultrasound and blood work…all while our company is in town. She said she has seen flukes in blood levels, but quite doubtful. She believes it is unlikely we will go through with this cycle.

She was apologetic in telling me not to worry this morning and feels for us with all we have been through in the last 16 months.

She referred to it as a bump in the road. To me it is a giant sinkhole that we can’t seem to get out of. EVER.

I will VERY likely have to RESTART the entire FET protocol process which means….

Induce a period with an injection. Start birth control and add daily Lupron injections for 2.5+ weeks. Stop for a couple days. Start Estrace (estrogen) again for a couple weeks. Start Progesterone injections. Then transfer. So delayed who knows how many months.

IVF/Infertility has ruled us for too long. Our whole life has been dictated around it, and it is getting old. We are missing important events, holidays, you name it..all for nothing at this point.

I am not giving up, but on days like this it is freaking hard not to.

There are no positive words or bits of encouragement that can help with this. I’m pissed, really really pissed.

Thanks for the love, support, and birthday wishes. You are great. Xo

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew




4 thoughts on “Absolutely Unreal

  1. Pingback: The Roller Coaster Ride Continues | jaunts & journeys

  2. My dearest beautiful Kacey, I have skimmed over your blogs and never read much, but I got the picture of what you want..It has pained me for some reason, I guess because we were so close in Dz..

    You read my thoughts on this comment when you said how much you missed out on so many things in the past months………My thoughts before I read yours was basically the pain and struggle and anger that sets in…

    We all want to be a mom when we are young….Please don’t be mad at my post, but maybe God has something bigger and better.;.Better than being a mom,, I cant think of much, but having a mom and a sister or brother or husband are all wonderful things, maybe a grandma or grandpa

    Sometimes we do lose out because we are striving for something that maybe is not in the making for our life’s…It is certainly your choice, and please forgive me, but it hurts me to see your struggle,,and it’s because I love you..Your DZ mom, Estie


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