A great deal has transpired, and I don’t know exactly where to begin, but due to my self diagnosed partial OCD, I will go in sequential order.
When I last wrote…
It was Tuesday April 19th…my birthday. And another bad news day.
After work that day, I went to Acu, where I cried for a solid hour. I think I permanently ruined the face cover with my mascara. (PS-Never cry while lying face down with needles all over your body and your hands unable to wipe your face of all the tears and stuff. It was torture.)
Per usual, I talked to my dad as I drove home. I told him I need him to stay young, fun, and hip and live until he’s 110 years old since it feels like I won’t be providing him a grandchild anytime soon. We both held it together until the end. He cried. I cried. Ugh.
Crying headache in FULL effect.
I walked in the house to a freshly shaken dirty martini in a chilled glass. It was needed. I had a second, and probably should have had a third.
I talked to Auntie (the flower sender from my previous post) and Grammy in Florida. I cursed…a lot. They listened and voiced their concerns and frustrations. Auntie always has hope and told me they were going to light the grotto on fire with their prayers. I told Grammy I was just trying to give her something else to worry about to take her mind off of her upcoming back surgery (May 5). If you think I worry…you should talk to Grammy, she takes it to another level.
Chris did his best to make my birthday as special as possible, despite the circumstances. We had a yummy lobster and baked potato dinner! AND, the Blues WON. LGB!
I finally was able to talk to my mom around 9p. By this time, I was definitely tipsy, but didn’t have tears left, or so I thought. I cursed even more. She listened and did her best to calm me. I know it was killing her inside, far more than she led on to believe.
We are ALL so confused, frustrated, exhausted, angry, and emotionally drained.
I cried myself to sleep…like the hard, heavy sobs babies do when they can hardly catch their breath. That was me.
The morning of Wednesday April 20th I intentionally slept in a bit and took my time getting my life, thoughts, and house together. I forced myself to the office for a short period of time, and left early because our visitors were arriving!!! THANK GOD!
My mind was able to turn to them, and they were obviously able to put a smile on my face. My heart felt a little less broken. I was seriously ready to have a great five days with Patrick, Lauren, and Chris. We had an absolutely amazing (overused phrase) time. As always, it flew by and is a complete blur due to my excitement! Before I knew it, we were hugging goodbye. So incredibly hard.
We had gorgeous weather, relaxing beach time, saw a Cardinals win, the boys golfed a beautiful course, lots tasty meals and drinks, and laughed so hard we cried. All in all, it was so so wonderful, and I miss them much. I think it is best I share our time together through pictures with captions which I will do in the post following this one.
My ultrasound on April 19th looked wonderful with my uterine lining growing and presenting a desired triple pattern. My ovaries were quiet, and there was no sign of ovulation. But then I got the dreaded call from Dr. F to let me know my progesterone was elevated. She was beyond confused as elevated progesterone has to do with ovulation and there was NO ovulation happening. She wanted me to stay on the oral estrogen and come back Friday morning for a recheck instead of waiting until my Tuesday appointment.
Chris was unable to join for the appointment on Friday April 22nd which is a rarity. I felt wrong asking Lauren to jump in on this fun, but knew I would love to have her there with me. Not only because she is a nurse, but because I knew she could be the support and second set of ears I needed. Thankfully she was extremely willing! I told Lauren that this was the least nervous I was for an appointment because I was prepared for the worst.
We put Chris on speakerphone. Ultrasound looked good and totally normal again. The lining hadn’t grown too much in those days, but had the beautiful triple pattern. The ovaries were quiet. Confusion. They took blood again, and Dr. F told me she was going to call me at 2:30p.
Following the appointment…Patrick, Lauren, and I hiked Torrey Pines, stopped at the Gliderport, and had lunch at George’s in La Jolla. We headed back north and dropped Chris and Patrick at La Costa for their round of golf.
I wasn’t consumed and thinking about the call all day. I wasn’t worried. I knew we wouldn’t be moving forward with transfer. As Lauren and I were walking sneaking (through four gates) in to the pool at the resort, my phone rings and No Caller ID appears. My heart didn’t drop as it usually does.
Dr. F sounded semi peppy. Progesterone was still elevated and was the exact same level as Tuesday. There is absolutely NO explanation for this elevated level. As I mentioned, progesterone increases when ovulation is happening or happened. IF I had ovulated, my level should have been above 5.
What the hell is going on? I am an anomaly to the nth degree.
Because of this mass confusion, Dr. F wanted me to go to LabCorp Monday and have my blood drawn there to see if it was different than the lab SDFC. I don’t understand the whole thing, but something to do with the assay (?) can be off.
I was to keep my Tuesday appointment. She would be on vacation, but wanted me to text an update and picture. (I have only texted her twice during this vacation.)
She sounded positive. I had hope. Did I waste a day of my life crying buckets of tears for no reason?! Or is this false hope? Are we delaying the inevitable? Why must this roller coaster ride be so torturous. Could I potentially become pregnant May 3rd?! What is happening?
Complete mind f&%k.
To be honest, I was super proud of myself and didn’t think much about this whole situation over the weekend.
Monday April 25th I went to LabCorp for the blood draw. I called SDFC to let them know they should expect the results, and was told I would get a call from a nurse around 3p.
I called back at 4p. I spoke with Megan, a nurse practitioner. MY PROGESTERONE LEVEL WAS IN A NORMAL RANGE of less than 0.5! WHAT?!?!?!?!? HOW GREAT!!!!
I had a tiny little tidbit of excitement, but for the most part forced myself to remain pessimistic. Secretly I had a glimmer of hope. Could transfer really be next week?!?!
Then, THE BLUES WON their playoff series against the Blackhawks!!!!!! My night was made!
Tuesday April 26th I met Chris at SDFC at 11:30a. We both expressed our concerns to Megan (NP) and asked many questions trying to understand what is happening. I felt significantly better after hearing her very thorough explanation. She said Dr. F was elated with my level.
Then the ultrasound. The freaking ultrasound.
The second I feel relieved on one issue, there is another.
Quiet ovaries. Great!
Triple pattern lining. Great!
But, the Lining DIDN’T grow…AT ALL. Like not even a single millimeter. Not one measly mm. AWFUL.
Therefore, we will NOT transfer Tuesday May 3rd as scheduled. Instead I will have a follow up ultrasound with Dr. F that morning.
IF the lining randomly IS sufficient (8mm or greater), transfer will be around May 10th (which potentially messes up travel plans).
If lining IS NOT sufficient, we are canceled and would have to start over from scratch and do the WHOLE have a period, birth control, estrogen BS ALL over again. This would not delay us a week or two, not even one month…nope. A TWO month delay.
Following the ultrasound my nurse, Lillie, gave me an estrogen boost injection into the muscle on my back side to help. Sometimes the boost is all it takes for the lining to grow, other times it’s not. I am continuing my 8mg of oral estrogen each day. We will officially know this coming Tuesday what our next steps are. I don’t have much hope on this.
*I saw the above beautiful rainbow cloud on Tuesday right after our super disappointing appointment. This is significant to me as it is National Infertility Awareness Week, AND “Rainbow Babies” is an often used term for those little ones who did not make it to this great big world, and those babies born after a loss. To add some humor to a tough topic, I sent this to my family group text, and my sister said, “It’s your uterus. Looks like an ultrasound, rainbow is a baby. Call me crazy.” I TOTALLY agree with her!
Random thinking – So much of this whole entire process is normal to me now. I know no different. It is crazy, and very sad to me, how I operate and think day to day. It’s second nature. The doctors, blood work, specialists, needles, invasive procedures, recovery, phone calls, levels, counts, medications, injections, pain, vulnerability, waiting, constant uncertainty, sacrifice, and heartbreak. Constant and continuous heartbreak.
I know I will be pregnant one day. I know I will be a mom. But this journey has been nothing short of horrendous. IVF isn’t THIS difficult for many, but for some unknown and unfortunate reason I tend to fall into the 1%, highly unlikely, rare, uncommon category for EVERYTHING. I plan to blog about each hurdle, disappointment, and abnormality we have faced in our journey. The list is long.
I am going to do my best to, yet again, turn off my brain and my emotions to enjoy our STAGECOACH weekend in Palm Desert! Yeeeehawww!
THANK YOU a million times over for all the love, support, and prayers. You all mean so much to me.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew