Thank you for the incredibly sweet words on the post my dad wrote for jaunts&journeys. I know my parents poured their hearts into their words, and I am forever grateful for their constant love and support. I do not know I could continue putting one foot in front of the other without their encouragement, even though it comes from 2,000 miles away.
Update on things/me – TMI possibly, but I have been bleeding for THREE straight weeks, which is very frustrating and making me crazy. The cramping these last few days has been pretty miserable. I finished the awful Doxycycline antibiotic last week. I hate birth control and cannot wait to be done with it TOMORROW. Hopefully I will not have to take that nasty stuff again until transfer #2!
My Baseline Ultrasound is Monday April 11th at 11:30a! My uterine lining will be measured, and I will begin estrogen pills the next day, IF the bleeding has stopped. We will take it one step at a time after that.
I have been having a tough little time as of late. I am really, really missing HOME, aka family and friends. I have been feeling extremely sensitive, weak, vulnerable, emotional, and hormonal as of late. Adele continues to put me over the edge, but Tim McGraw’s Humble and Kind and Thomas Rhett’s Die a Happy Man performances on the ACMs took it to another level last night.
As we just passed April 1st, I was reminded that 04.01.15 was our due date with my first pregnancy. I’ll also emotionally reflect back on this day, and am aware the best is yet to come.
However, in this post, I am revisiting my second pregnancy…which was just over a year ago with a due date of November 1, 2015. This may seem a bit random, but it was a significant part of our journey.
On Monday February 16, 2015 at 2:30p, it was determined IVF was going be our path to having children. Rather than beginning immediately with treatment, Chris and I wanted to take a month and let our new reality soak in, and we would start toward the end of March. So at the end of February, I took a trip home to St. Louis to spend time with family and friends knowing it would be my last trip for quite some time, as our lives and travel would be put on an indefinite hold.
What should have been an amazing weekend started on a terrible note. My flight arrived around midnight, a driver took me to my parents, and as I was going to bed realized I left my work laptop in my seatback pocket. I tried “Find my Mac,” with no luck because the computer was turned off/not on wifi. I called every Lambert Airport and Southwest Airlines number I could find, tweeted, emailed, you name it. Everything was automated, with the exception of a Southwest employee who told me the plane I was on was heading to Chicago at 6am the next morning. She advised me to go to the airport around 4:30a and have TSA check the plane for me. I didn’t sleep a wink and drove to the airport while it was 3 degrees out, kicking myself the entire way.
I had the most incredible Southwest employee help me. I knew the row and seat, so she personally went on to the plane and had the flight attendants helping her. No sign of it. She checked all the lost and found areas in the terminal, spoke with managers and shift leaders, you name it. NO freaking computer anywhere. I left the airport in tears.
As I got on the highway, an unknown 314 number appeared on my phone. My gal FOUND my computer!!!!!!! I think something fishy was going on amongst the cleaning crew, but regardless, I had it. Tears again. She was my hero that day!
I went on to enjoy a wonderful, yet exhausting, weekend…meeting a friend’s brand new baby, a nice SNOWFALL, my mom’s phenomenal cooking (4-cheese grilled cheese and tomato soup, toasted ravs, and frog legs to name a few), quality time with loved ones, a motherhood/fertility blessing from Bishop Rice while at church with my dad, a lovely brunch with my girlfriends, my dad’s first “pedicure,” drinks and dancing at 1235, many laughs, and even more memories.
At the time, we of course had no idea what was to come, but turns out it was my last time being with our Uncle Bob prior to his passing. He and Auntie Mas were almost unable to come due to the snow, but because I was in town, they were determined! As the evening ended, my brother and I walked Uncle Bob to the car, gave him a hug and a kiss, and he cracked a funny, yet ironic, joke that will stick with me forever. It was a VERY special night.
I flew back to San Diego Monday March 2. My period was to start while in STL, it didn’t. I am NEVER late and was experiencing similar symptoms to my pregnancy in July. Of course there was NO way I could be pregnant since our chances of conceiving naturally with my numbers, levels, and insides was less than 1%.
Wednesday March 4 I finally caved and stopped at CVS to buy a test while on the way to work. I will never forget my experience while checking out…the male cashier held the box in his hand and very loudly for all others around me to hear said…“Would this be a good thing, or?!” WTF! Are you kidding me guy? I had no words.
At 10:30a, I very nervously walked to the bathroom, whipped out that stick, and HOLY HELL, shockingly enough…POSITIVE!!!!! Are you kidding me?!?! This was an absolute miracle.
Conceiving in and of itself is miraculous, but with our issues, this was even more of a miracle! We had proved the doctors wrong. We would have a child naturally, on our own, with no reproductive assistance. My body would be saved from going through the hormones, injections, and potential future issues. We would not need to spend a FORTUNE. All these thoughts flew through my mind. But with the previous loss we experienced, I was extremely pessimistic, and still continue to be.
I immediately called Chris. SHOCK.
I called my doctor’s office, and was to go for blood work right away.
I remember standing in the parking lot at Urban Plates on the phone with one of my best friends, Shannon. I recall being extremely giddy, and I didn’t even have to say a word, she just knew! It was a special moment, although short lived.
Hours later, my hCG results CONFIRMED I WAS INDEED pregnant, and my progesterone level was also great! I would go back on Friday to be sure my hCG was doubling.
My brother and his girlfriend, Lauren, were arriving THAT DAY! How could I hide my excitement? How can I NOT spill the beans? Somewhat sad that one of my biggest concerns for the weekend was, how would I fake drink? As we all know, I could never say, “Oh I don’t feel like/want anything to drink.” I love my cocktails and wine! (We took it as far to text the bartender at Ale House and a waiter at El Callejon, so they were in on it.)
I picked up our out-of-towners from the airport and was ready for a super fun weekend. I was also ready to begin one of my best acting jobs to date!
In my mind, my tummy was already growing! Was it a boy or girl?! And names…what would we name this little one?! How would we tell our families?! I had it all planned to perfection in my mind. A piece of me was elated, but the whole rest of me, terrified.
The VERY next day, Thursday March 5th, spotting and cramping began while I was on a job walk. I called the doctor’s office and was told to come by and pick up progesterone suppositories. I would do these 3x per day…those things were awful. They also advised I take it easy to allow for proper implantation. That wasn’t in the cards.
How am I supposed to put on a happy face with how terribly I was feeling mentally and physically? I managed to do so.
Lauren and I went to lunch in Del Mar on Friday March March 6th, and she very seriously said she had something special for me. In her family…it is tradition to wear a blessed St. Gerard (Patron Saint of Motherhood) pendant when trying to conceive, while pregnant, and so on. It was an extremely thoughtful gesture. I loved that in a few weeks I would be able to tell her I was actually pregnant!!
Later in the afternoon, I had to leave the group on the 14th hole of the golf course to go for blood work. I didn’t get a call from my doctor until the next afternoon while we were all having a great time at the beach. I missed her call, but the voicemail informed me my levels didn’t double as they should have. Chris tried to keep me calm and positive. No such thing. She wanted me to go back Monday to recheck. It wasn’t sounding positive, but the cramping and spotting came to a stop, which I thought was a good sign.
Regardless of ALL my nonsense, we had a fabulous weekend, great meals, even better company, and I cannot wait to do it again SO SOON!
The day Chris let me know NONE of our embryos from Cycle#3 were normal, we were sitting in the Nordstrom dressing room watching Meg try on wedding gowns, and my brother texted, “Maybe this will be a little pick me up” with a screenshot of his Southwest Airlines travel confirmation to come visit San Diego around my birthday. It was the best surprise at the absolutely most perfect time. This resulted in an ugly cry, and my mom demanding me to put my phone away.
Patrick and Lauren are now set to come visit April 20th, and I couldn’t be more excited! I am determined to have this visit be FAR more enjoyable than the previous trip.
As it turns out, my pessimistic intuition was spot on…this pregnancy was not headed in the right direction. EXTREME pain, emotional torture, and horrible side effects lasted a month plus, entirely different from my miscarriage.
I will finish the Dreaded Ectopic in my next post…
Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. – Robert Tew